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I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been asked this question over the years. The answers vary as do every situation. But there are some things that have remained quite consistent. One of them, is that all of my clients were women, asking about a man in their life. In every situation, the man in question was receptive, responsive and generally willing to communicate. But did not and would not initiate the conversation themselves. This is a very tricky situation where as a woman, you aren’t sure if you should continue with the status quo or if you should shake things up in the hopes of getting some much needed validation. I’ll share my experience in this fuzzy area and offer an in-depth expose why the man in your life doesn’t make the first move.

He’s a MAN

Let’s cover some basics. First off, men as a rule aren’t the greatest of communicators. There are exceptions to that rule, of course. Some men are natural and gifted orators. The Aquarius man for instance, can talk your head off, while the Capricorn is more reserved. The Sagittarius will keep things mysterious on purpose, just as the Virgo man does the same but only because he’s naturally guarded about his feelings.

Men, by default, are trained at an early age to be pursuers. Early in the courtship, it’s expected of them to do all of the hard work. To make an impression and to put themselves out there. To take risks and do just about whatever it takes to get you, the woman, to open up and trust them. When they have achieved that, a lot of men stop. They don’t see the need or the urgency in staying in touch as much.

Men LOVE Routines

Being the more “practical” sex, men tend to look at what works best right now. Not how their actions can affect the relationship over the long term but rather, how it makes them and you feel right now. And if they don’t see a problem, they are not going to try and fix it. A leaky faucet doesn’t need replacing, especially if they didn’t even notice it leaking.

If you have been the one initiating communication for the better part of a few weeks or even months, then you may run into some challenges in getting him to change. You call/text/email him. He answers. He always does. He’s pleasant and he’s doing his part but he doesn’t see the need to change anything. He’s settled into a routine. Routines can be bad for relationships.

He has little to NO Experience

Believe it or not, some men have never had to initiate and aren’t comfortable with the idea either. I’ve known some men who outright refuse to make the first move. Ever. They feel that once a relationship has been established, that it’s up to the woman to keep that aspect of things flowing. That by initiating themselves, they would lose a lot of self-respect and in turn so would the woman for them. This is often the case with men who are born through the 40’s ,50’s and even 60’s. This does NOT apply for men born after those decades.

He’s Bored

This is an easier one to spot. He responds but doesn’t really have anything new to say. He doesn’t share about his day or his feelings anymore and you can even hear him yawning on the other side of the phone. His text responses take longer and longer. While what he actually says becomes shorter and shorter.

You’ve spoiled him

This happens when a man gets too much of what he wants without having to put in any real effort. When it’s all laid out for him, he doesn’t’ even have to think about when he’ll hear from you again. He knows that you’re consistent and will stay in touch. You stay in touch like clockwork. There is no need for him to do anything, you take care of every aspect of maintaining communication. It’s like cooking for him, bringing him his meal while he puts up his feet and watches the game. Meanwhile, you haven’t eaten anything and are busy making sure that the kitchen is spotless. He stopped appreciating it.

You aren’t his first priority

This is a tough one to swallow. For some men that can be sports, a TV show, work and friends. You just aren’t his biggest concern. You can see that coming up with the Aries men a lot. They aren’t the best at maintaining communication or connections.

Ego/Pride

This is a problem that can be universal with all signs. It’s a MALE problem. Some get a kick out of knowing that you will always be the first to connect and initiate. It gives them a confidence boost that can come your expense. They are fully aware of it too. It’s a high that they don’t easily give up. Some will resist any attempts to change that dynamic.

Identify the Issue

How to get him to initiate conversation before you can resolve anything, you have to first be clear on what it is that you are dealing. Is he really that into himself? Is he just shy? Are you number three on his list of his priorities? Where do you fit it? Are things great aside from the fact that he doesn’t initiate contact? Do you suspect someone else might be in the picture? This is where a Kasamba advisor like myself can help.

Take Stock

Are you in a good place right now? Before proceeding with somewhat drastic measures, you have to be prepared to lose everything in order to gain everything. You want to be rock solid in your beliefs, in how this will play out. What you are about to do will not be easy or fun. The alternative is more of the same.

Those who don’t HEAR

This is where some of us stumble. Ideally, you want to be able to discuss it, tell him how important it is that he take the time to initiate etc…The only trouble is that it tends to fall on deaf ears. Men are wired that way. Can’t be helped. Even if he totally gets where you are coming from, he will not see it as a major priority to keep initiating day in and day out. In fact, he may even take offense to it. Feeling like you are trying to control things. I don’t know that many of you have had a lot of success asking them to make that change.

Will FEEL

Now that you are prepared, all geared up and ready to go, you have to take action. That means that when you would normally initiate communication, you don’t. You can could delay it by an hour or two. You could even go as far as stop completely and wait for him to reach out to you. You can’t under any circumstances give into the fear that he won’t care, will forget you or that this might end the relationship. If that happens, then you have bigger problems.

Lower the Boom

It’s imperative that you act with confidence, claiming your own worth and self-respect in the process. You want to shake things up. Create new routines for him to follow and take away any notion that the status quo is okay. Cutting communication off cold is a great option too. 9 out of 10 times he will follow up, wondering if you are okay, if things are okay and if there is something wrong. That’s when you can tell him that you were just “busy”, had things to do or you forgot. It happens. You don’t want to get into a long dialogue with him about the importance of him making the first moves, or checking in on you or even how it makes you feel. A man will hear you but won’t always get what it really is that you are trying to convey. It’s an alien notion to him. Few will get the idea. So he has to feel it. Not hear it, but feel it!

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